Being between Worlds

  I find myself in a very precarious situation.  I am in no way ethnically Arab.  I have ancestry that I know of that is connected to the Middle East.  I am a "true" American made up of over 20 different ethnicities.  I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma and had absolutely no interactions with Arabs until I went to college.  The only background that I had with the Middle East was a brief introduction to Islam in a World History class that basically introduced me to the 5 pillars of Islam, an anti-Islamic service we had at my church one year with a guest Palestinian speaker who use to be a Muslim, and all the anti-Arab politics that swarmed America after 9/11.

  Originally I wanted to study World Religions which in a large part why I choose to go to the University of Oklahoma.  Once I started to look into the major, I realized that I actually just wanted to study Islam and Islamic culture.  I remember about a month after I graduated from high school I was talking to my mom and I told her that I wanted to be a Middle Eastern Studies major and she just laughed at me and said, "You're already changing your mind."

  I started to study Arabic and I never realized how much of an undertaking it was before I enrolled in the class.  The first day of class the instructor started writing right to left and I was amazed.  I didn't know you could do that!  The longer I studied the more and more frustrated I got until I realized that the conventional classroom setting was not ideal for me.  This is when I started to think about study abroad in order to study Arabic.

  Only two fall seasons ago I really started to learn about the personality of the Middle East.  I started to make different friends from all around the Middle East: Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, Palestine, Egypt.  Once you know one person you met another.  By the end of my second year in college the vast majority of my friends were actually from the Middle East and although I am by no way of any Middle Eastern ethnicity, I find myself at home among the culture.  This culture is my passion, my study, my friends, and a large part of what I consider my family.  I joined the student group for Arab students and I became a very active part in it.  I was use to creating events so it really came quite natural to help plan, promote, and host the different cultural events that I was a part of.  But the most important part of my experiences was the people that I meet and got to know.  I remember one person telling me that I didn't even need to go to the Middle East because I had been working with Arabs the whole time, I know how they work.

  When I came to Jordan I did not experience as much of a culture shock as one would have expected.  I couldn't speak Arabic so that was difficult, but when I talked to my friends and family crying it wasn't a matter of culture, but loneliness.  I felt so lonely since I didn't know anyone and because I didn't have the language to meet people.  I quickly adapted to the culture because I was already use to it.  Perhaps there was one moment when I was finding the Royal Jordanian airlines at the O'Here International Airport and I scanned the long hall of airlines and I there saw nothing but Arabs standing--well, not in line, more a mob--and thought,  "Oh no, what did I get myself into" but I have never regretted it.

Toola and LuLu in Jordan  <3!!!!!

  Jordan was the first time for me to have to interact with non-collegeage Middle Easterners and with people who were completely separate from the Western world (unlike my friends at home) but everyday even up to now has been a fun adventure.  Of course as you may have read, there are parts that I hate about Jordanian culture, but just as well there are parts that I hate about American culture.

  When thinking about going home in a few months my hearts sinks.  Yes, I hate all the extra attention I get in Jordan, but, in a large part of my identity if found in these people.  My humor, my language, my own ideas and behaviors have been developed in this culture, with these people.  I found myself in this middle ground between the two worlds.  I listen to my Arab friends and nod my head at whatever extreme they present me, but I go to church in the US and nod my head at their extremes as well.  I have learned how to understand, at least try to understand, both sides and more often than anything I just find myself sitting in the middle.  I'm not only American, but I'm not only from this culture as well.  I make French toast for breakfast but when I'm out of toast I go eat hummus and pita bread.  (toast by the way is the Arab word for sandwich bread like Sara Lee and pita bread it the American word for خبز)

  One of my friends here in Jordan and I were talking about this mixed world we live in.  She is half Jordanian and half Moroccan but she was born and raised in Texas.  Middle Easterners such as her and my other Middle Eastern friends who have now lived in the States for a substantial amount of time understand completely my point of view.  As we discussed, it is impossible for us to just give up our American side and become all Arab.  When one of our students at the center where we work brought Sara Lee cheesecake to the center, you could most definitely tell that we were both American because of the size of slice we got.  But on the other hand, I'm not only American.  I made jokes that pun off of the different social and political problems in this area.  The more Arabic I learn, the more Arabic I have started to insert automatically in my speech, wellah I do!  I have to remind myself to not use Arabic when I'm talking to my mom or grandma or friends from high school because they won't know it.

Church of the Holy Sepulchre -- Jerusalem 

  My students ask me if I like Jordan all the time.  They ask me which I like more, America or the Middle East.  I hate this question.  It's like asking who you like more, your father that you have always known or you husband that you only met five years ago.  Both of them are such a part of me that I can't forget or favor either of them.  My students say that I like adventure, which is true.  I love exploration and contingency, but that is not the only reason why I love the Middle East.  I love this culture, I love the faiths found here and even the problems that these faiths have created,  I love the long established ideas and mindsets that you find here and I love the people.  I love people and the Middle East is the heart of the world.  The Middle East is so vast and so multicolored and I love it.  People are forced to face the realities of culture and religion here because it stares them in the face every single day.  Three of the world's largest religions were founded in this land and Jerusalem, sitting in the middle of a very Arab drenched society, holds a key to all of them.

  When being in the middle, I find it important to know who to reach people where they are.  Of course the vast majority of people I met will not be in the same place where I am, but since I know both, I think it's important for me to met them where they are.  When I talk to my American friend back in the States, I always try to get involved in her life even though it has absolutely no connect to the world I'm currently living in, but at the same time, when I'm talking to my friends here, I can't just shut down when they tell me about how her parents stopped talking to her because she got caught talking to a boy on Skype because it's so different from American culture.  When being in the middle you have to meet people and not always expect them to meet you.  It doesn't mean that I always have to die to myself and not show one half of myself to everyone, I can show the other side, but I always have to keep in mind that there might be parts that they may not understand, and that's normal.

  When walking with a friend to go grocery shopping, she asked me if I had known all the problems I would face when coming to Jordan--the sexual harassment, being homeless for a week, being stalked and so on--would I still have come.  Without a second thought I said yes.  Absolutely.  So many things have happened that were negative, but in all negative things, you just have keep moving forward and eventually you'll be out of it.  Coming to Jordan has taught me SO much that I would have never given it up for anything...regardless of all that has happened.  I complain and get frustrated but I can't deny this world.  We're too connected to forget it now and I never want to.

  I shack when I hear hate talk on both sides.  I humble down in admiration when I see a Muslim praying in the streets or when I see a Christian praying at church on Sunday.  I wave my American flag proudly, but I also have the Hamsa on a necklace and the Kabba on my keychain.  This is me.  Here I am and here I will always be.

 (I'll probably adopt the Spanish culture as well later in life but first I've given myself a decade to live and learn about all of the other Levantine countries--just a note)

Finding Balance--Externally

I have talked before about finding balance in the expectations of oneself while in a Middle Eastern country.  Being a western female here, you feel like raw meat on display--but you get even more attention than the butcher shops do here.  Today a friend and I went for a walk and we were told about two older gentlemen who completely turned around in their step to watch us walk pass them.  It takes "turning heads" in a completely different level but unfortunately not in a respectful one.  First as I wrote about before, it was hard to understand how I was suppose to see myself and allow other to see me, but now my balance have altered from an inward measurement to an outward one.  I struggle now with what should be the appropriate expectations that I should have toward the culture that surrounds me.

If you look closely, you will see a cross of an Orthodox Church and the Crescent Moon of a Mosque.

This is something that I have been observing for several months.  At first, it is so easy to "vent" to your westerner girlfriends about the problems we face here, but eventually the "venting" never stops.  Anytime you get westerners together, especially girls, the conversation will become about the negative aspects of this culture.  We will talk on and on about the lack of self-control we find in men and the complete control we find over women.  When talking to locals at times I have to simply walk away before I take out all of my frustration from the culture on one person.  When men share with me their idea of who and what women would be, my empowered spirit within me raises up.  When I hear a Muslim decides to show now tolerance towards another faith, my spirit roars within me.  When I finally acknowledge that it's not just men who confine women, but instead a shared mindset that both men and women share, my spirit quivers.  I never want to be the person whose eyes are too narrow to see the truth that is placed before me or too focused on the focal point to see all the details that make up the picture.  We all see life differently.  If I try to force my view point on those around me, or simply substitute the way women here actually think with the way I think they should perceive life, I am no better than those who make me feel guilty for not covering my hair or for wearing tight clothing.

A normal day wearing the Nacab

It's easy to get overwhelmed with the bluntly obvious problems.  It's even easier to over generalize all the people from this culture and simply clam up where you do not see anything else.  So many foreigners that I meet here do just that.  They see the bluntly obvious things and they are never able to really move on from them.  They learn how to make their lives as comfortable as possible here and they just look at the rest of the people through their colored lenses comforted in the idea that they have it all figured out.  If I allow myself to eventually stop trying to learn from those around me and simply categorize the experience that I have had here as another entry in my mind, then I feel like I will have become the thing that I have always run away from.  I want to build understanding and cultural exchange--not allow myself and others to simply put other cultures on the shelf and say, "That one's nice" or "I don't like that one" or "Of course I know how women there think!  They think just like I do!  I'm a women."

I do not mean to say that the blinding light should be ignored.  It can never be ignored, but I refuse to allow myself to to stare at it mindlessly.  Just like a car driving past you at night with its bright lights on, you should always acknowledge that it's there, but not focus on it.  Look for the smaller lights that are trying to shine and work towards them.  If you go towards the blinding light, there will be no compromise or understanding, only a crash.  In a none metaphoric way: I remind myself to not just look at the people who speak only out of their culture, but try to search out one people here that are good and true.  This doesn't mean that the negative aspects of the culture aren't bluntly obvious--they are--or that we shouldn't acknowledge them acting like the don't exist.  Instead, we should inspire the good qualities that we find in people here.  We should encourage them to rise above the struggles that they face and perhaps one day they might even raise above the mindsets we find so appalling.

Culture being passed on at a Christmas Eve service.

People are undoubtably formed by their community.  Our culture is instilled in us from the earliest age.  We are taught when to say please, how to wash ourselves, how to share, what to think of others, how to treat women, and how to treat the outside world.  Our community has such a huge affect on us and we will never be able to escape it.  With every person I meet here, I need to acknowledge that their culture in ingrained in them to the deepest core.  Every person--but instead of looking at this core and shunning it, I feel like I should aways remember be constantly trying to pull out the good qualities that I see.  I should be culturally sensitive when we don't agree--not allow our disagreements to make us stop the way of communication between us.

I am reminded of a Muslim friend that I had back at home.  He and I never saw religion the same way and it would constantly come up in even the simplest of conversations.  Regardless of our constant arguments, the spirit inside of me pushed me on to continue our friendship in order to--even in the smallest measure--build a bridge.  I cannot control what other decide to make un-alterable, but I perceive that with enough time and enough trust, even the unalterable things might become a matter of discussion.  I do not set out to convert the whole world.  Just before I die, I would love to see some of these strongholds between our cultures start to tare down.  The Berlin Wall eventually fell.  The Great Wall of China has been taken down in many places.  Just like a physical wound, it takes a lot of time to completely recover.  It takes time and time again of treatment with small improvements and often set backs, but eventually, it can heal.  

Finding Balance

    One of my friend reminded me that I need to update my blog.  Usually I like to write about something that I've been thinking about lately but it seems that I just haven't taken the time to actually sit down and write, or I'm really distracted that I can really sit down and write down all the thoughts I have had.  I Skyped my mother a week ago and she was so upset at me because somehow, I hadn't really talked to her since before Christmas.  This last month has just been so crazy and I know for sure that I have picked up the Arab sense of time even more than what I had before.  Although there are still the same amount of hours in a day, there are less hours of sunlight because of the winter and it's really cold due to poorly insulated housing.  I started to take online classes through OU this semester and I was shocked at the differences in pace that I use to work at in the States as compared to now.

My last visit home before coming to Jordan

  That aside, the time of balance that I want to discuss isn't a matter of time or calling home, but rather a behavior balance when it comes to culture.  I have felt like I was stuck somewhere between worlds for almost two years now.  I have had a passion for the Middle Eastern culture and have made many Middle Eastern friends, but at the same time, I'm fully American with no Arab blood.  My family has little to no Arab influence besides the news channel and myself.  Therefore, whenever I'm home, I'm expected to act as an American, but when I'm with my friends at the University, I'm a mixture of American and Arab influences.  It was only once I went a broad that I could really understand what it meant to be American but I know from being here that that is my foundation.  I'm not of Arab decent so any amount of culture that I have absorbed of Middle Eastern culture has all been acquired through learning.

Mariam (Iraqi) at Galveston, TX

  In America my friends were largely Middle Eastern but one of the first things I realized was that they are Americanize Middle Easterners.  (I say Middle Eastern instead of Arab because Arab is really an ethnicity that derives primarily from the Arabian peninsula but it is not that only ethnicity that is represented here.)  That means that although they appreciate and respect their own culture, they have also opened up to allow the American culture to be evident in their lives.  One of my dear friends from Iraq once had someone say that she was "the most American Arab" that they have ever met.  Because of their Americanization, I feel that many of the things that I did which would not be accepted here in the Middle East were perfectly fine being surrounded by my Middle Eastern friends.  We were in my culture and we were just influenced by both cultures.

Now, I'm no longer in my culture and I'm expected to obeyed by the culture and traditions here, no matter who silly they might seem to me.  My struggle has been where do I draw the line?  I'm American and I will always be American.  I cannot give everything that I am to completely adopt a new culture, nor should I have to, yet, I'm still here and I need to be able to be accepted here.  Before I came here this past summer, I spent a month or two making a video to introducing the Americans at my university to Saudi culture.  I completely loved it.  It combined two of my top passions, building bridges between the Middle East and America, and media.  I concluded the video with some quotes from two of the international students at OU.  They said, "When we came to the US, we took the better of the two cultures...Overall we would be the same...but it definitely gave us another perspective...Every experience that you go through is hard in the beginning but in the end you get stronger."

Ronia-American Arab at Petra

  All of my friends ask me how Jordan is and I always answer with the same reply, "There is good and bad."  At first, of course all I could see was the bad.  One of my American friends and I would always talk about the parts of Jordan that we hated most.  She decided to go home this past holiday session and as she went back to the States, I asked her to tell me what about Jordan she missed once she was back.  A couple of weeks after she went home she told me that the one that she missed the most was simply the people.  It made me think that although there is so much about the culture that I hate, there is so much here that I love.  So much culture that is here I cannot get back in the States, or if I do, it's very limited.  I have a heart for this area of the world and the whole time that I'm in the States I'm just thinking of this region, praying about it and wondering what I can do to make a difference.  That in itself is one of the best parts of actually being here.  Then of course, there are the cute children, the delicious sweets, great Arab food, the relax sense of time, and much more.

Rojeh showing off Im Qis

  The bad on the other hand is what I struggle with.  I was talking to another friend last night and I was explaining to him exactly what the good and the bad where and he just told me, "Tasha, I told you that it would be hard for you being a girl in the Middle East."  From my observations, it is so much better being a western boy coming to this area.  Boys are free to do whatever they want.  Many native boys have their own area of the house.  They can go anywhere and do anything anytime they want.  Their parents don't regulate their lives (accept marriage) as much.  Their parents give them money until they graduate college or get married.  Boys are the pride of the family.  They want their sons to be successful so that they can say, "Look what my son did."  Parents call themselves "Abu Mohammad," "Umm Mahmood," meaning "Father of Mohammad," and "Mother of Mahmood."  Therefore whenever a boy comes the Middle East, guys see him as cool and foreign.  Everyone wants to be his friend, take you out and show you everything.  Guys make friends so easily here.  They can meet anyone and enjoy their time.  Girls on the other hand are completely different.

  While a boy is the family's pride, a girl is the family's honor.  Honor is not flaunted like pride, it's preserved.  Girls are very protected here.  They are limited to keep the honor of the girl from being tainted.  When I first got here I had an American who I had never met come up to me as we were visiting friends and started explaining to me the different ideas that people here have of western girls.  She told me a story of one day she was walking with one of her friends and found chap stick in her pocket so she decided to put it on.  Her friend immediately stopped her and scolded her.  Her friend said that putting on chap stick was like telling all the guys on the street that she wanted to have sex and that she was a whore.  This American women went on to tell me that a women's honor here can only go down.  She is born perfect but through her actions her honor is tainted and diminished and it can never go up.  Being a western women, the expectations that are broadcasted through western media creates an even lower view of western women to begin with.  So many people here are completely shocked that I don't sleep around or that I have morals that they often simply reject the idea.  "I'm western, of course I do those things."   Arab men will come up to western women and make friends with them just in order to get something out of them.  So often I watch an outspoken western girl just talking about whatever and there is a group of eastern boys all staring at her and I can tell that they don't really care about what she is talking about, but they are thinking about other things.   I walk down the street and I get so many car honks and stares.

  Really, I feel like these thoughts and expectations have hindered my personality.  I love to dance and sing but here, if a girl dances in public she is a whore.  I went shopping with one of my friends at the mall and there was a fun song on in the elevator and I started to bob my shoulder and my friend said, "What are you doing!!!  You can't do that here Tasha!"  I love to sing randomly until my boyfriend told me a story about how a Jordanian girl was singing in his college of theatre arts and a man walked in and called her a whore just because she was singing.  I can't be sweet to people because that is a sign of weakness that they will either think things of me or they will try to take advantage of me financially.  Girls here walk around with pointed eyebrows just to look serious.

  Besides the expectations that are on me, it is also very hard to have friends here.  I don't want to be friends with boys because of what they already expected out of me, but girls are hard to come by.  Because a girl is the family's honor, she is expected to be home by 5 or 6pm even in the winter.  She only goes out at night with her family.  She is not allowed to be out with people that her family does not know.  She is not allowed to go out alone without a male chaperone.  Keep in mind that these are not laws laid down by the government, but cultural expectations.  Whenever I meet a girl that I would like to become friends with, she tells  me that we could only meet in the day time whenever she is at the university.  She cannot hang out with me in the evenings or on the weekends.  This has made it extremely hard for me to make friends.

Jaresh, Jordan

  At first I thought that I would just have to live up to all the cultural expectations placed on me to be a good girl.  In American, most people have not doubts that I'm a good girl.  They're usually surprised that I love heavy music.  Here, I'm western so they already have that wrong view.  I have tried to limit myself like any good Middle Eastern girl would do here.  I never wear any shirts that don't go down to my elbows, I wear scarfs to cover my chest.  I have not worn shorts even in the house.  I never smile while walking down the street.  I sit in the back of taxis without making a sound.  I ignore my favorite songs whenever they come on the radio.   I only talk to boys if they address me first.  I don't put out my hand to shake hands with a boy unless they do first.  I always sit up straight on buses and never look around.  I only sit next to women on buses, never boys.  I do all of these things just to prevent people from thinking things of me.  It has become a huge burden on me and honestly, I feel like a large part of my spirit has left me by doing these things, which hurts me.

  I know that regardless of all of these things, I want to be here and that I want to still work in the Middle East.  I still want to work on building bridges between this world and my western world.  I want to develop understanding and trust between the two, but if I am to do that, I cannot kill myself inwardly to just fit this mold that is laid out of me.  I know that I need to find a balance where I can still be American and enjoy life, yet at the same time be comfortable here in the Middle East.  It is my fun and loving spirit that reaches so many people for the better.  By having a sour face I will never be able to reach anyone, I will simply be one of the many.  I wondered a month a go if I could simply accept that some people will think of me as a whore.  They label nearly all open girls that way so really should it be a concern of mine?  People think silly things of me back at home through misunderstanding, but I have never allowed that to hinder me before, nor should I allow it to hinder me know.  I know that my spirit can't reach everyone, but perhaps I should allow it to show well enough to reach those who will be reaches.  "He who has an ear, let him hear..." Rev. 2:29

American Eagle in Taj Mall, Abdoun 

  At the same time, I have seen American women who come here and completely close off to the culture here. They never learn Arabic, they only shop at American stores and they only spend time at American places. They work for whatever reason that they are here and some even count the days until they get to return home. This is, in my opinion, is not the best attitude either. I believe that there needs to be some kind of balance. I need to be able to preserve myself and my spirit, yet at the same time, connect with the people here so I can learn from them. If I really plan to build any bridges, I have to be able to reach both sides. "A bridge is never build from just one side." This balancing act as most is a work in progress but what has been weighing on me the most lately. I pray that once I finish this year I will be able a stronger person who feels comfortable in both worlds. Perhaps then maybe I can start to build those connections between the two worlds.