Democracy in a Tribal Community

When I was planning to come to Jordan I was largely motivated by the idea that studying a culture through books is one thing, but living in it is completely different.  This idea has played to be very true. One of the major ideas that I have studied about this region before I came was the political mindsets here.  I remember studying it and thinking, "That makes since" but now that I'm here I has an even higher understanding of the different ideas.

Background information.  Jordan is kingdom.  It has a king and although it has elections for members of parliament, the majority of the people here are highly devote to the king.  As any google search will tell you, the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan was created after the first World War when the Middle East was split up into the present day countries.  The Hashemite family was given authority over the country and they still rule it today.  Pictures of the king and his family are everywhere.

King's picture over a Baptist School's Auditorium 

There are pictures of the king in nearly every place where people meet: theaters, offices, businesses, billboards, entrances to establishments, any government office, any university...  There will be pictures of the king eating when you go to popular restaurants.  When I go on trips I like to play "count the king" with my friends where we see who can find the most pictures of the king on our trip.  Included with the king might be a picture of his father and oldest son as well.  At first, it felt awkward having the king stare at me ever where I went.  Coming from America, I was not use to this public display of appreciation--for anything real--so it felt a bit overwhelming, but through time, it became normal.

The public have a tremendous respect for the king.  Although you might friend citizens who might speak ill of him, you will find many more that have his family picture as the background of their personal computer.  It is not required to hang pictures of the king everywhere, but out of pure admiration the citizens do it.  Sometimes citizens will also hang up pictures when their business is in trouble hoping that they might get assistance from the king if he happens to come by.  

Despite of all of this, the king is at large absent in the daily lives of people here.  He is more or less a ghost figure, a legend, or a rumor.  If he goes into a restaurant, people in that restaurant will talk about it for months, but when there was a major gas crisis last fall which lead to major protest, the king was no where to be found.  I remember feeling a void during this time.  In America, if anything major happens, I would expect for the president to get on public television to address the country.  Although he might not say anything of true value, it was comforting to just know that he was there knowing the concerns of the people.  

At the establishment of the modern Middle East, less then 100 years ago, the Middle East was made up of tribes.  There were constant tribal wars and honestly these alliances and tensions are still evident in the populous today.  Once modernity broke in this area, a mixture was created between the old tribal lifestyle and the "new era of democracy."  This mixture has created deep ruts that have been hard for the population to overcome.  This past January, Jordan held it's parliamentary elections.  Leading up to the elections there was a surplus of signs that cluttered every road in Amman.  Unlike America, where the race last for a year or more, here it only lasted around 2 months.

Before the parliamentary elections, the University of Jordan held its student elections for its students.  To my amazement, the University's election completely foreshadowed the elections that I would see in the fallowing months.  Before the campus elections, there were thousands of fliers posted at every gate and walk way.  Some students even had 30 foot tall posters that hung off the side of buildings promoting their canadidancy.  Every guy running for office had some type of glamour shot on every single poster and every girl had some type of graphic design that would catch the eye.  Posters and papers cluttered every inch of the university.  

On the day of the university elects, when I went to class, I found police officers at every gate entering the university.  After class finished my professor advised me just to go home to avoid any violence that would break out.  From years experience, students who ran for office and lost would often get offended at their failure and it often turned into a huge tribal fight after the results came out.  One student would say something to another and instead of it being one on one, family defense brought the whole clan in on the dispute.  But this display of tribal patriotism is not the only one at the university.

In the past four years the University of Jordan has but put a huge fence around their campus with security gates at every entrance to try to cut back on the number of tribal fights.  Every student is required to swipe their ID cards to get into the campus--especially the men.  (Being a female foreigner I can often just act like I don't know what they are asking for--only speaking English, not Arabic--and they let me in.)  These efforts have not completely stopped the problem.  In the fall I expected at least one fight every two weeks.

Returning to the parliamentary elections: from those who I talked to, it was quite predetermined who people would vote for.  They should vote for the member of their family that was running.  On the day of elections I was able to go with a friend to vote.  After driving around in a mindless inquiry of where he should vote, we found a school tucked into a neighborhood.  We had to walk about the length of a block and the whole time I had, perhaps, a hundred people handing me fliers with more electoral promotion.  Once we were inside the gate of the school, we were approached by many people to go and meet the candidates that were waiting outside of the school.  We then had to show the election card as well as the National ID to get into the school.  Girls and guys were then separated to go to different rooms to cast their vote.  My friend was male, so I fallowed him to the men's section.  He then signed in again to wait his turn to vote.  All of the men who came held their heads high actings quite proud of themselves for being an active member of their community.  Most of the men were older-higher classed citizens (but this might have been influenced by the place where we went--it was a nicer neighborhood).  When my friend turned in his ballot, he then had to put his finger into ink that stained his finger for the week.  A few days after the votes were counted, I heard canons go off in celebration for the victory.

Being here has greatly changed my idea of what it means for there to be democracy in the Middle East. As an American it is easy to think that democracy would be best for everyone, but in some societies I question this idea.  Just because it works in America doesn't mean that it will work in the rest of the world.  When explaining it I always talk about how in America we are all immigrants.  The majority of us have little to no generational ties to the land where we live.  The people who had lived in the land for thousands of years have been frequently uprooted by different forces which has eventually weakened their emotional connection to the land.  Most Americans are not aware of their extended family beyond cousins and such.  I know that I have no idea who my mother or father's cousins are.  Once grandparents pass on, the connects die with them.  This is completely different.

Families in Jordan have been around since the time of Christ.  Generations of history and memories tie people to their land.  Families are not just mother, father, and children, but a clan.  Children grow up in the same land where their family had lived for hundreds or thousands of years.  Children are born and raised, then continue on the family business whether that is farming or herding.  The threat of industrialization or relocation completely corrupts the mindset of the region.  This is one reason why the creation of the state of Israel has left such a huge wound on Palestinians.  Even today if you ask a Palestinian teenager where their homeland is, they will tell you Palestinian--even though they have never even been there.  It's ingrained in the identity of the people in a way that I feel is incomprehensible to westerners looking in from our western view point.

As I said, trying to bring the two mindsets together has caused many problems.  It has caused a weak false sense of democracy.  Not from the side of the rulers, but from the community.  There can be no democracy when people feel obligated to vote according to their family name, not the quality of the candidate.  Even people here will acknowledge this dilemma but its challenges still stand strong.  It will be nearly impossible to try to remove the mindset of strong family connections here but I don't think there is really a need for that either.  The tribal mindset is in many ways the strength in this region.  There is a huge emphasis on knowing your family and the idea that everyone belongs to some family or group.  Women do not change their names when they get married and orphans are prohibited from accepting a new last name just to preserve the true patrilineal bloodlines.  

I have heard stories about how some tribes have their own newspaper and their own websites.  I have also heard about how some families get together once a month just to share family news.  They all put money in a pot and give it to the family members who are in need.  People here take care of their family  both immediate and distant.  No one is ever allowed to feel lonely or alone.  There is always a support system and there is always someone to talk to.  It is the strength of the area.  If you meet one person, they'll introduce you to their whole family and you then have an entire family at your side.  This just limits our idea of democracy.  

Finding Balance--Externally

I have talked before about finding balance in the expectations of oneself while in a Middle Eastern country.  Being a western female here, you feel like raw meat on display--but you get even more attention than the butcher shops do here.  Today a friend and I went for a walk and we were told about two older gentlemen who completely turned around in their step to watch us walk pass them.  It takes "turning heads" in a completely different level but unfortunately not in a respectful one.  First as I wrote about before, it was hard to understand how I was suppose to see myself and allow other to see me, but now my balance have altered from an inward measurement to an outward one.  I struggle now with what should be the appropriate expectations that I should have toward the culture that surrounds me.

If you look closely, you will see a cross of an Orthodox Church and the Crescent Moon of a Mosque.

This is something that I have been observing for several months.  At first, it is so easy to "vent" to your westerner girlfriends about the problems we face here, but eventually the "venting" never stops.  Anytime you get westerners together, especially girls, the conversation will become about the negative aspects of this culture.  We will talk on and on about the lack of self-control we find in men and the complete control we find over women.  When talking to locals at times I have to simply walk away before I take out all of my frustration from the culture on one person.  When men share with me their idea of who and what women would be, my empowered spirit within me raises up.  When I hear a Muslim decides to show now tolerance towards another faith, my spirit roars within me.  When I finally acknowledge that it's not just men who confine women, but instead a shared mindset that both men and women share, my spirit quivers.  I never want to be the person whose eyes are too narrow to see the truth that is placed before me or too focused on the focal point to see all the details that make up the picture.  We all see life differently.  If I try to force my view point on those around me, or simply substitute the way women here actually think with the way I think they should perceive life, I am no better than those who make me feel guilty for not covering my hair or for wearing tight clothing.

A normal day wearing the Nacab

It's easy to get overwhelmed with the bluntly obvious problems.  It's even easier to over generalize all the people from this culture and simply clam up where you do not see anything else.  So many foreigners that I meet here do just that.  They see the bluntly obvious things and they are never able to really move on from them.  They learn how to make their lives as comfortable as possible here and they just look at the rest of the people through their colored lenses comforted in the idea that they have it all figured out.  If I allow myself to eventually stop trying to learn from those around me and simply categorize the experience that I have had here as another entry in my mind, then I feel like I will have become the thing that I have always run away from.  I want to build understanding and cultural exchange--not allow myself and others to simply put other cultures on the shelf and say, "That one's nice" or "I don't like that one" or "Of course I know how women there think!  They think just like I do!  I'm a women."

I do not mean to say that the blinding light should be ignored.  It can never be ignored, but I refuse to allow myself to to stare at it mindlessly.  Just like a car driving past you at night with its bright lights on, you should always acknowledge that it's there, but not focus on it.  Look for the smaller lights that are trying to shine and work towards them.  If you go towards the blinding light, there will be no compromise or understanding, only a crash.  In a none metaphoric way: I remind myself to not just look at the people who speak only out of their culture, but try to search out one people here that are good and true.  This doesn't mean that the negative aspects of the culture aren't bluntly obvious--they are--or that we shouldn't acknowledge them acting like the don't exist.  Instead, we should inspire the good qualities that we find in people here.  We should encourage them to rise above the struggles that they face and perhaps one day they might even raise above the mindsets we find so appalling.

Culture being passed on at a Christmas Eve service.

People are undoubtably formed by their community.  Our culture is instilled in us from the earliest age.  We are taught when to say please, how to wash ourselves, how to share, what to think of others, how to treat women, and how to treat the outside world.  Our community has such a huge affect on us and we will never be able to escape it.  With every person I meet here, I need to acknowledge that their culture in ingrained in them to the deepest core.  Every person--but instead of looking at this core and shunning it, I feel like I should aways remember be constantly trying to pull out the good qualities that I see.  I should be culturally sensitive when we don't agree--not allow our disagreements to make us stop the way of communication between us.

I am reminded of a Muslim friend that I had back at home.  He and I never saw religion the same way and it would constantly come up in even the simplest of conversations.  Regardless of our constant arguments, the spirit inside of me pushed me on to continue our friendship in order to--even in the smallest measure--build a bridge.  I cannot control what other decide to make un-alterable, but I perceive that with enough time and enough trust, even the unalterable things might become a matter of discussion.  I do not set out to convert the whole world.  Just before I die, I would love to see some of these strongholds between our cultures start to tare down.  The Berlin Wall eventually fell.  The Great Wall of China has been taken down in many places.  Just like a physical wound, it takes a lot of time to completely recover.  It takes time and time again of treatment with small improvements and often set backs, but eventually, it can heal.  

Housing around the University of Jordan ساكن قرم الجامعة الأردنية

I have had the pleasure (or perhaps burden) of changing housing multiple times in the last six months while in Jordan.  When I first came to Jordan, I had the intentions to stay with a Jordanian family.  Within two weeks of being in Jordan I was told that it was "culturally inappropriate" for me to be with this family so I was asked to leave.  Unfortunately, it was too late for me to be able to find any roommates that were studying at the University of Jordan such as myself, so I had to wait until the end of the semester to find roommates.  This meant that I had to buy a place on my own and carry the burden of paying for it completely alone and settling with the over priced "left over" apartments that weren't already rented by the students who were already settled in the area.

I was asked to pay 200JD a month for food and utilities and to help the children learn English with my host family.

I quickly moved into a all girls hostel that was located closer to the University of Jordan.  When I moved in a was shocked.  Being an American, our standards of housing just did not quite compute the expectations that I found here.  I found myself saying, "This is good, for Jordan."  I always tried to keep in mind, this is considered a developing country and there are reasons for that.

At the hostel I paid 240JD per month for a studio.

Roughly two weeks after I moved into the hostel, I simply couldn't keep the eleven o'clock curfew (because I was new to the country and I wanted to explore and because in my room, I was completely alone) so I found another place to stay.  I called a number that led me to an apartment searching company that charged me 10JD to take me around to look at these horrible apartments until eventually I was forced to settle paying much more than I was able to pay.  If you are a foreigner looking for an apartment, I advise you to try to take a local with you.  They are much less incline to cheat you and it makes the process a lot smoother.  

The one-bedroom with kitchen/living room was 250JD per month. 

I lived in that apartment for a couple of months until they extended to increase my rent up to 300JD so I moved into an other apartment that was quite unsatisfactory but cheaper.  I told myself that it was only for a month until the end of the semester ended so I could look for something closer and better.  It turned out that the apartment that I was living in was actually originally part of the apartment next door that was cut into two separate apartments.  I had no way to cook food and the provided mini refrigerator smelt so bad I refused to use it.  Several pieces of furniture were broken in the apartment.  If I wanted hot water, I asked my neighbor to turn on the  heater for me to take a shower.

This whole in the wall bedroom was 170JD per month.

During one of the biggest snowstorms in Amman, my rent was up and I was told that I needed to leave.  The land lord said that I could stay in the apartment if I paid 100JD per week, or if I paid 25JD per day.  Thankfully, I was able to move get a taxi and moved my stuff to a friends how.  I was able to piece together a place to stay until the week I was out of an apartment.  Really, that snow storm was one of the hardest times in my life.  Perhaps later I will feel more comfortable speaking about it in detail.  Thank you everyone for being there for me!

Staying with American friends...0JD--only worlds of appreciation.

I then went house hunting again.  Really a drooling task in this part of town.   I have heard in other parts it's different, but here around the University of Jordan, they require quick decisions.  You have to decide if you want the apartment within a couple of days (and sometimes only hours) or else you will miss out on it.  You must have all the money upfront or you can't get the apartment.  You should expect to have to pay at least 50JD deposit and at least 5-25JD to the guard of the building (plus the rent and bills) up front.  As you could imagine, my housing controlled my pay checks for the past six-unstable months.  Thankfully I found 2 other wonderful roommates and an wonderful apartment near the University of Jordan that the three of us could share comfortably.  We all have our own rooms and we have internet 24/7.

Sharing an apartment with others is around 150JD each plus around 12JD for everything else.

Now I want to share some expectations that I feel one should have when they go apartment searching here.  

What to expect from furnished apartments from around this area:

• No central heater or cooling (unless you like to pay way to much money)
• No dryer
• Only semi-automatic washer machines (if you get a fully automatic one you're blessed!)
• No shower curtain
• No electric plugs in the bathroom
• Light switches will be outside of the bathroom
• There will be a dubai next to every toilet or a sprayer
• A limited monthly allowance of water
• Only gas stoves that are connected to a propane tank
• There will be a TV with over 400 channels (for free)
• The apartment will not be cleaned before you move in
• There will only be limited dishes provided
• Your apartment will come with an ashtray 
• One if not many of your rooms might be painted pink (it's so popular for some reason)
• Most likely your furniture will not match
• Most beds are twin size or they push two twin size mattresses together to get a "queen" size
• There is not fire escape plan
• There is no insolation in the walls (so super cold or super hot)

Where the Old Meets the New: Marriages Engagement

In Jordan you will find yourself at a cross bridge in cultures.  Cultures from all over Asia and Europe can be found here.  I know so many stories of "My mother is American/Greek/Russian and my father is Jordanian" or "My mother is Jordanian and my father is Palestinian/Saudi/Kuwaiti."  There is a huge mix of nationalities and so many different styles of life here.  Some people sit at a table and eat dinner from their own plates, others all sit around a coffee table and eat from one big plate or individual plates, yet others sit on the floor and eat with their hands.  It changes drastically from the people who live in the city as to people how who live in the small towns or villages.  You take an hour ride outside of the city and you hear completely different ways of speaking.  You see new ways of dress.  On the streets of Jordan you see people dressed like they just came from America to those who wear traditional dresses and head coverings that have been worn for thousands of years.  Usually, from the people that I know, the older people are the ones that choose to be more traditional and the younger ones are the ones who choose to have a more contemporary lifestyle.  I have heard stories of people who lived contemporary lifestyles when they were young, but at a certain point, they changed their life styles and became traditionalist--from the stories that I heard, the determining factor is the age of marriage.  Marriage is where tradition and modernity meet and often clash.

Contraer to what parents in Jordan like to think, the majority of young people here have or have had some type of romantic relationship.  Although, unlike American culture, there relationships have been highly confided to meeting at the university and by calling them at night or messages on Facebook and  on the phone.  Many youth will save their boy/girlfriends number in their phone as a different name just in case their parents over see it.  While they are at the university they spend as much time as they can talking to each other and enjoying a meal or snack under the trees while sitting on the street curb.  There are places on campus where you can expect at any give time to see at least three couples relaxing.

A quick note--in public schools in Jordan, the two genders are completely separated.  You do not see someone who is your own age besides your relatives until you go to the university--unless you attend private schools.  The university is usually where most students experience their first co-ed classroom setting and it is there where relationships really start to flourish.  Here, the genders go to a great extent to separate each other and parents go to even greater extents.  Although there are only a few laws that really separate everyone, the culture creates these rules.  For example, it is not illegal for a man and a women to live together if they are unwed, but, if a family says that the man kidnapped their daughter, the girl will be forces to return to her family by the officials.  Before that though, many landlords will not rent out apartments to unwed Jordanian couples just to protect against these occasions or because of their own ethics.

Most relationships that I see here are comparable to relations in middle school from the US.  Feelings get easily hurt if you do not call or text every day.  They talk on the phone for hours each night after their parents have gone to bed.  Most interaction is done in secret.  Some girls will even take off their vail and show their hair to their boyfriend while on Skype leaving the parents to think that she's only on Facebook or on the internet browsing.   Overall, relationships are overly exaggerated--but to the couple, this is how you show true appreciation for the other person.  They are your "love," your "life," your "pet" at least for the time that you are in that relationship.  Unfortunately, as most middle school relationships, they come to a close after a few months or perhaps up to a year and the couple is left with all types of emotions.  As one of my friend said, because so many relationships are done only cyberly, no one really grows to know the other person and they usually end in disappointment.  Unlike America, people often grow very-very attached to their relationship and it often leads people to obsession.  I know a friend who has a boy constantly calling her or messaging her even though they broke up months ago.  Of course not every person takes part in dating here.  I know guys who feel like it's disrespectful to his sisters and parents if he goes again traditions and participates in dating.   Now, on to the engagement period.

The typical story for a 20 year old girl in Jordan is as such:  "I want to graduate from my university and get married.  Once I get married, I will have children and I will teach them how to be good people and then I will be proud of them and proud of my self."  When a girl goes to the university, she is focused on her studies, but once she graduates, she simply sits around and waits to get married.  Often parents do not support their daughters to get graduate degrees.  That's something that their husbands should support.  Once girls graduate, they either sit around waiting for a suitable husband to come purpose to them or they search for work.  Work is hard to find here-espeically for young women.  They usually only find work as a secretary or receptionist.  Even then, because of the unemployment rates in youth, it's even harder.  Most girls are just sitting at home waiting for their husband to come to 'set them free.'  Girls are given around 10 years to get married.  If she does not marry before she is 30, she can be thought of as unsuitable for marriage and may never get married.

Men, on the other hand, commonly get married around 27-29 years of age.  There is traditionally a 5 year gap between a husband and his wife.  Men usually have to wait to get married in order to save up money and to allow themselves to become more established.  Marriages cost huge amounts of money here in Jordan.  Depending on the family, they will require the man to pay large amounts of money for the wedding and towards the bride.  I've heard stories where the brides family wants at least 10,000 JD for the furniture, 5,000 for gold for the bride, and he must own a car and an apartment.  Now, a fresh graduate out of college will not be able to cover these cost, so typically, the father of the groom will help support the groom in his marriage while leaving certain cost up to the groom himself.

From what I've heard, there is an even larger expectation in the Christian community then there is in the Muslim community.  According to Islam, a Muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian women, but a Muslim women is not allowed to marry a Christian man.  It is partially because the offstring of the marriage should be Muslim.  No Muslim family will permit their daughters to marry a Christian, and in comparision, it is highly taboo that a Christian family would permit their daughters to marry a Muslim.  The two groups are greatly divided in this aspect.  This creates great generational religious divides.  People from this region are typically able to tell your faith according to your last name because families are known for being either Christian or Muslim.

Traditionally, if a man is ready to get married, he will send his mother out to find eligible candidates and they will go around meeting the different girls.  Now, it has become more common for a man to ask his parents to purpose to a girl that he met at the university or through friends, but the traditional way is still in practice.  The hard part about the new age of meeting someone before you marry creates problems if her family rejects his proposal to marry her.  I know of a couple who had been together for 7 years but when he purposed to her father, her father refused because of his finances and because of his ethnicity--he is originally Palestinian and not Jordanian.  The girl ultimately gives the final "yes" or "no," but no girl would disrespect her father or mother by going against their opinion.  This would cause great disrespect towards the girl and towards the family. It might even prevent the girl from ever getting married.

Continuing with the tradition, they are given 3 meetings to decide if they want to get engaged.  Then they usually have a year or so before the wedding to make preparations and for the couple to really get use to each other.  According to Islam, at this time, the couple is technically married so he is allowed to see her without her vail, but they do not consummate the marriage nor live together until after the cultural celebration.

Do to my own age, many of my girlfriends are at that point were they are eligible to get married.  One of my friends disclosed to me that she was getting purposed to.  I asked her to explain to me how she felt about the situation.  She said that it was all just overwhelming.  She had been sitting at home for a long time so she wanted to get married, but the idea of getting married to someone that she had never met was very frightening.  Anyone can put on a front that he is a good guy until you get married.  Although there are marriage contracts where the girl can require anything out of the husband, she doesn't want to scare the guy away by demanding to much.  If she turns too many guys down then she is thought to be unsatisfiable and her parents might start to think that she has outside relations which gave her such high expectations--therefore, she is a bad girl.  Some parents might even make their daughters marry just to get them out of the house and to get them out from under their financial care.  Thankfully, that is only in the extreme cases.  But sadly, many girls are forced to marry someone that they do not love because the guy that they loved while they were dating was not allowed to marry her.  It creates so many different clashes between the new-modern mind of love and romance, and the traditional ideal of commitment.

While discussing this matter with an American friend, we said that these traditions can't be completely devastating to all.  It has to work for some or else they wouldn't still do it.  I had the pleasure of meeting a girl who is in her final year at the university and who is currently engaged, expecting to get married this June.  I asked her how she felt about it and she said that she was very excited.  "This time is boring waiting to get married.  I'm excited to get married and to be able to live with my love."  They have been engaged for nearly a year now and everyday they talk on the phone and chat through messages.  Most people tell me here that in the traditional way of engagement, love will fallow.  They think first and then feel second.  First, they think about what they want and what they really need, then after time, they will learn to love each other.  There is no lack of commitment in this style of engagement.  Unlike American relationships that break up and leave unending amounts of pain and problems in couples, these relationships are only begun under the contract of commitment.  They do not allow for broken hearts--only assurance.  Of course as in American engagements, here in Jordan, engagements often break up if the couple realizes that they can't ever work well together, but typically the boys that are more patient and caring are those who choose the traditional marriage style here.  Time has a way of working things out in a person's life where they become better suited for marriage.

For all my girlfriends here, I just pray that the perfect guy comes along and redeems her from the life in the home and helps her achieve her own dreams that she has in her life.