Where the Old Meets the New: Marriages Engagement

In Jordan you will find yourself at a cross bridge in cultures.  Cultures from all over Asia and Europe can be found here.  I know so many stories of "My mother is American/Greek/Russian and my father is Jordanian" or "My mother is Jordanian and my father is Palestinian/Saudi/Kuwaiti."  There is a huge mix of nationalities and so many different styles of life here.  Some people sit at a table and eat dinner from their own plates, others all sit around a coffee table and eat from one big plate or individual plates, yet others sit on the floor and eat with their hands.  It changes drastically from the people who live in the city as to people how who live in the small towns or villages.  You take an hour ride outside of the city and you hear completely different ways of speaking.  You see new ways of dress.  On the streets of Jordan you see people dressed like they just came from America to those who wear traditional dresses and head coverings that have been worn for thousands of years.  Usually, from the people that I know, the older people are the ones that choose to be more traditional and the younger ones are the ones who choose to have a more contemporary lifestyle.  I have heard stories of people who lived contemporary lifestyles when they were young, but at a certain point, they changed their life styles and became traditionalist--from the stories that I heard, the determining factor is the age of marriage.  Marriage is where tradition and modernity meet and often clash.

Contraer to what parents in Jordan like to think, the majority of young people here have or have had some type of romantic relationship.  Although, unlike American culture, there relationships have been highly confided to meeting at the university and by calling them at night or messages on Facebook and  on the phone.  Many youth will save their boy/girlfriends number in their phone as a different name just in case their parents over see it.  While they are at the university they spend as much time as they can talking to each other and enjoying a meal or snack under the trees while sitting on the street curb.  There are places on campus where you can expect at any give time to see at least three couples relaxing.

A quick note--in public schools in Jordan, the two genders are completely separated.  You do not see someone who is your own age besides your relatives until you go to the university--unless you attend private schools.  The university is usually where most students experience their first co-ed classroom setting and it is there where relationships really start to flourish.  Here, the genders go to a great extent to separate each other and parents go to even greater extents.  Although there are only a few laws that really separate everyone, the culture creates these rules.  For example, it is not illegal for a man and a women to live together if they are unwed, but, if a family says that the man kidnapped their daughter, the girl will be forces to return to her family by the officials.  Before that though, many landlords will not rent out apartments to unwed Jordanian couples just to protect against these occasions or because of their own ethics.

Most relationships that I see here are comparable to relations in middle school from the US.  Feelings get easily hurt if you do not call or text every day.  They talk on the phone for hours each night after their parents have gone to bed.  Most interaction is done in secret.  Some girls will even take off their vail and show their hair to their boyfriend while on Skype leaving the parents to think that she's only on Facebook or on the internet browsing.   Overall, relationships are overly exaggerated--but to the couple, this is how you show true appreciation for the other person.  They are your "love," your "life," your "pet" at least for the time that you are in that relationship.  Unfortunately, as most middle school relationships, they come to a close after a few months or perhaps up to a year and the couple is left with all types of emotions.  As one of my friend said, because so many relationships are done only cyberly, no one really grows to know the other person and they usually end in disappointment.  Unlike America, people often grow very-very attached to their relationship and it often leads people to obsession.  I know a friend who has a boy constantly calling her or messaging her even though they broke up months ago.  Of course not every person takes part in dating here.  I know guys who feel like it's disrespectful to his sisters and parents if he goes again traditions and participates in dating.   Now, on to the engagement period.

The typical story for a 20 year old girl in Jordan is as such:  "I want to graduate from my university and get married.  Once I get married, I will have children and I will teach them how to be good people and then I will be proud of them and proud of my self."  When a girl goes to the university, she is focused on her studies, but once she graduates, she simply sits around and waits to get married.  Often parents do not support their daughters to get graduate degrees.  That's something that their husbands should support.  Once girls graduate, they either sit around waiting for a suitable husband to come purpose to them or they search for work.  Work is hard to find here-espeically for young women.  They usually only find work as a secretary or receptionist.  Even then, because of the unemployment rates in youth, it's even harder.  Most girls are just sitting at home waiting for their husband to come to 'set them free.'  Girls are given around 10 years to get married.  If she does not marry before she is 30, she can be thought of as unsuitable for marriage and may never get married.

Men, on the other hand, commonly get married around 27-29 years of age.  There is traditionally a 5 year gap between a husband and his wife.  Men usually have to wait to get married in order to save up money and to allow themselves to become more established.  Marriages cost huge amounts of money here in Jordan.  Depending on the family, they will require the man to pay large amounts of money for the wedding and towards the bride.  I've heard stories where the brides family wants at least 10,000 JD for the furniture, 5,000 for gold for the bride, and he must own a car and an apartment.  Now, a fresh graduate out of college will not be able to cover these cost, so typically, the father of the groom will help support the groom in his marriage while leaving certain cost up to the groom himself.

From what I've heard, there is an even larger expectation in the Christian community then there is in the Muslim community.  According to Islam, a Muslim man is allowed to marry a Christian women, but a Muslim women is not allowed to marry a Christian man.  It is partially because the offstring of the marriage should be Muslim.  No Muslim family will permit their daughters to marry a Christian, and in comparision, it is highly taboo that a Christian family would permit their daughters to marry a Muslim.  The two groups are greatly divided in this aspect.  This creates great generational religious divides.  People from this region are typically able to tell your faith according to your last name because families are known for being either Christian or Muslim.

Traditionally, if a man is ready to get married, he will send his mother out to find eligible candidates and they will go around meeting the different girls.  Now, it has become more common for a man to ask his parents to purpose to a girl that he met at the university or through friends, but the traditional way is still in practice.  The hard part about the new age of meeting someone before you marry creates problems if her family rejects his proposal to marry her.  I know of a couple who had been together for 7 years but when he purposed to her father, her father refused because of his finances and because of his ethnicity--he is originally Palestinian and not Jordanian.  The girl ultimately gives the final "yes" or "no," but no girl would disrespect her father or mother by going against their opinion.  This would cause great disrespect towards the girl and towards the family. It might even prevent the girl from ever getting married.

Continuing with the tradition, they are given 3 meetings to decide if they want to get engaged.  Then they usually have a year or so before the wedding to make preparations and for the couple to really get use to each other.  According to Islam, at this time, the couple is technically married so he is allowed to see her without her vail, but they do not consummate the marriage nor live together until after the cultural celebration.

Do to my own age, many of my girlfriends are at that point were they are eligible to get married.  One of my friends disclosed to me that she was getting purposed to.  I asked her to explain to me how she felt about the situation.  She said that it was all just overwhelming.  She had been sitting at home for a long time so she wanted to get married, but the idea of getting married to someone that she had never met was very frightening.  Anyone can put on a front that he is a good guy until you get married.  Although there are marriage contracts where the girl can require anything out of the husband, she doesn't want to scare the guy away by demanding to much.  If she turns too many guys down then she is thought to be unsatisfiable and her parents might start to think that she has outside relations which gave her such high expectations--therefore, she is a bad girl.  Some parents might even make their daughters marry just to get them out of the house and to get them out from under their financial care.  Thankfully, that is only in the extreme cases.  But sadly, many girls are forced to marry someone that they do not love because the guy that they loved while they were dating was not allowed to marry her.  It creates so many different clashes between the new-modern mind of love and romance, and the traditional ideal of commitment.

While discussing this matter with an American friend, we said that these traditions can't be completely devastating to all.  It has to work for some or else they wouldn't still do it.  I had the pleasure of meeting a girl who is in her final year at the university and who is currently engaged, expecting to get married this June.  I asked her how she felt about it and she said that she was very excited.  "This time is boring waiting to get married.  I'm excited to get married and to be able to live with my love."  They have been engaged for nearly a year now and everyday they talk on the phone and chat through messages.  Most people tell me here that in the traditional way of engagement, love will fallow.  They think first and then feel second.  First, they think about what they want and what they really need, then after time, they will learn to love each other.  There is no lack of commitment in this style of engagement.  Unlike American relationships that break up and leave unending amounts of pain and problems in couples, these relationships are only begun under the contract of commitment.  They do not allow for broken hearts--only assurance.  Of course as in American engagements, here in Jordan, engagements often break up if the couple realizes that they can't ever work well together, but typically the boys that are more patient and caring are those who choose the traditional marriage style here.  Time has a way of working things out in a person's life where they become better suited for marriage.

For all my girlfriends here, I just pray that the perfect guy comes along and redeems her from the life in the home and helps her achieve her own dreams that she has in her life.