I find myself in a very precarious situation. I am in no way ethnically Arab. I have ancestry that I know of that is connected to the Middle East. I am a "true" American made up of over 20 different ethnicities. I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma and had absolutely no interactions with Arabs until I went to college. The only background that I had with the Middle East was a brief introduction to Islam in a World History class that basically introduced me to the 5 pillars of Islam, an anti-Islamic service we had at my church one year with a guest Palestinian speaker who use to be a Muslim, and all the anti-Arab politics that swarmed America after 9/11.
Originally I wanted to study World Religions which in a large part why I choose to go to the University of Oklahoma. Once I started to look into the major, I realized that I actually just wanted to study Islam and Islamic culture. I remember about a month after I graduated from high school I was talking to my mom and I told her that I wanted to be a Middle Eastern Studies major and she just laughed at me and said, "You're already changing your mind."
Only two fall seasons ago I really started to learn about the personality of the Middle East. I started to make different friends from all around the Middle East: Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, Palestine, Egypt. Once you know one person you met another. By the end of my second year in college the vast majority of my friends were actually from the Middle East and although I am by no way of any Middle Eastern ethnicity, I find myself at home among the culture. This culture is my passion, my study, my friends, and a large part of what I consider my family. I joined the student group for Arab students and I became a very active part in it. I was use to creating events so it really came quite natural to help plan, promote, and host the different cultural events that I was a part of. But the most important part of my experiences was the people that I meet and got to know. I remember one person telling me that I didn't even need to go to the Middle East because I had been working with Arabs the whole time, I know how they work.
When I came to Jordan I did not experience as much of a culture shock as one would have expected. I couldn't speak Arabic so that was difficult, but when I talked to my friends and family crying it wasn't a matter of culture, but loneliness. I felt so lonely since I didn't know anyone and because I didn't have the language to meet people. I quickly adapted to the culture because I was already use to it. Perhaps there was one moment when I was finding the Royal Jordanian airlines at the O'Here International Airport and I scanned the long hall of airlines and I there saw nothing but Arabs standing--well, not in line, more a mob--and thought, "Oh no, what did I get myself into" but I have never regretted it.
Jordan was the first time for me to have to interact with non-collegeage Middle Easterners and with people who were completely separate from the Western world (unlike my friends at home) but everyday even up to now has been a fun adventure. Of course as you may have read, there are parts that I hate about Jordanian culture, but just as well there are parts that I hate about American culture.
When thinking about going home in a few months my hearts sinks. Yes, I hate all the extra attention I get in Jordan, but, in a large part of my identity if found in these people. My humor, my language, my own ideas and behaviors have been developed in this culture, with these people. I found myself in this middle ground between the two worlds. I listen to my Arab friends and nod my head at whatever extreme they present me, but I go to church in the US and nod my head at their extremes as well. I have learned how to understand, at least try to understand, both sides and more often than anything I just find myself sitting in the middle. I'm not only American, but I'm not only from this culture as well. I make French toast for breakfast but when I'm out of toast I go eat hummus and pita bread. (toast by the way is the Arab word for sandwich bread like Sara Lee and pita bread it the American word for خبز)
One of my friends here in Jordan and I were talking about this mixed world we live in. She is half Jordanian and half Moroccan but she was born and raised in Texas. Middle Easterners such as her and my other Middle Eastern friends who have now lived in the States for a substantial amount of time understand completely my point of view. As we discussed, it is impossible for us to just give up our American side and become all Arab. When one of our students at the center where we work brought Sara Lee cheesecake to the center, you could most definitely tell that we were both American because of the size of slice we got. But on the other hand, I'm not only American. I made jokes that pun off of the different social and political problems in this area. The more Arabic I learn, the more Arabic I have started to insert automatically in my speech, wellah I do! I have to remind myself to not use Arabic when I'm talking to my mom or grandma or friends from high school because they won't know it.
My students ask me if I like Jordan all the time. They ask me which I like more, America or the Middle East. I hate this question. It's like asking who you like more, your father that you have always known or you husband that you only met five years ago. Both of them are such a part of me that I can't forget or favor either of them. My students say that I like adventure, which is true. I love exploration and contingency, but that is not the only reason why I love the Middle East. I love this culture, I love the faiths found here and even the problems that these faiths have created, I love the long established ideas and mindsets that you find here and I love the people. I love people and the Middle East is the heart of the world. The Middle East is so vast and so multicolored and I love it. People are forced to face the realities of culture and religion here because it stares them in the face every single day. Three of the world's largest religions were founded in this land and Jerusalem, sitting in the middle of a very Arab drenched society, holds a key to all of them.
When being in the middle, I find it important to know who to reach people where they are. Of course the vast majority of people I met will not be in the same place where I am, but since I know both, I think it's important for me to met them where they are. When I talk to my American friend back in the States, I always try to get involved in her life even though it has absolutely no connect to the world I'm currently living in, but at the same time, when I'm talking to my friends here, I can't just shut down when they tell me about how her parents stopped talking to her because she got caught talking to a boy on Skype because it's so different from American culture. When being in the middle you have to meet people and not always expect them to meet you. It doesn't mean that I always have to die to myself and not show one half of myself to everyone, I can show the other side, but I always have to keep in mind that there might be parts that they may not understand, and that's normal.
I shack when I hear hate talk on both sides. I humble down in admiration when I see a Muslim praying in the streets or when I see a Christian praying at church on Sunday. I wave my American flag proudly, but I also have the Hamsa on a necklace and the Kabba on my keychain. This is me. Here I am and here I will always be.
Originally I wanted to study World Religions which in a large part why I choose to go to the University of Oklahoma. Once I started to look into the major, I realized that I actually just wanted to study Islam and Islamic culture. I remember about a month after I graduated from high school I was talking to my mom and I told her that I wanted to be a Middle Eastern Studies major and she just laughed at me and said, "You're already changing your mind."
I started to study Arabic and I never realized how much of an undertaking it was before I enrolled in the class. The first day of class the instructor started writing right to left and I was amazed. I didn't know you could do that! The longer I studied the more and more frustrated I got until I realized that the conventional classroom setting was not ideal for me. This is when I started to think about study abroad in order to study Arabic.
Only two fall seasons ago I really started to learn about the personality of the Middle East. I started to make different friends from all around the Middle East: Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, Palestine, Egypt. Once you know one person you met another. By the end of my second year in college the vast majority of my friends were actually from the Middle East and although I am by no way of any Middle Eastern ethnicity, I find myself at home among the culture. This culture is my passion, my study, my friends, and a large part of what I consider my family. I joined the student group for Arab students and I became a very active part in it. I was use to creating events so it really came quite natural to help plan, promote, and host the different cultural events that I was a part of. But the most important part of my experiences was the people that I meet and got to know. I remember one person telling me that I didn't even need to go to the Middle East because I had been working with Arabs the whole time, I know how they work.
When I came to Jordan I did not experience as much of a culture shock as one would have expected. I couldn't speak Arabic so that was difficult, but when I talked to my friends and family crying it wasn't a matter of culture, but loneliness. I felt so lonely since I didn't know anyone and because I didn't have the language to meet people. I quickly adapted to the culture because I was already use to it. Perhaps there was one moment when I was finding the Royal Jordanian airlines at the O'Here International Airport and I scanned the long hall of airlines and I there saw nothing but Arabs standing--well, not in line, more a mob--and thought, "Oh no, what did I get myself into" but I have never regretted it.
 |
| Toola and LuLu in Jordan <3!!!!! |
When thinking about going home in a few months my hearts sinks. Yes, I hate all the extra attention I get in Jordan, but, in a large part of my identity if found in these people. My humor, my language, my own ideas and behaviors have been developed in this culture, with these people. I found myself in this middle ground between the two worlds. I listen to my Arab friends and nod my head at whatever extreme they present me, but I go to church in the US and nod my head at their extremes as well. I have learned how to understand, at least try to understand, both sides and more often than anything I just find myself sitting in the middle. I'm not only American, but I'm not only from this culture as well. I make French toast for breakfast but when I'm out of toast I go eat hummus and pita bread. (toast by the way is the Arab word for sandwich bread like Sara Lee and pita bread it the American word for خبز)
One of my friends here in Jordan and I were talking about this mixed world we live in. She is half Jordanian and half Moroccan but she was born and raised in Texas. Middle Easterners such as her and my other Middle Eastern friends who have now lived in the States for a substantial amount of time understand completely my point of view. As we discussed, it is impossible for us to just give up our American side and become all Arab. When one of our students at the center where we work brought Sara Lee cheesecake to the center, you could most definitely tell that we were both American because of the size of slice we got. But on the other hand, I'm not only American. I made jokes that pun off of the different social and political problems in this area. The more Arabic I learn, the more Arabic I have started to insert automatically in my speech, wellah I do! I have to remind myself to not use Arabic when I'm talking to my mom or grandma or friends from high school because they won't know it.
 |
| Church of the Holy Sepulchre -- Jerusalem |
When being in the middle, I find it important to know who to reach people where they are. Of course the vast majority of people I met will not be in the same place where I am, but since I know both, I think it's important for me to met them where they are. When I talk to my American friend back in the States, I always try to get involved in her life even though it has absolutely no connect to the world I'm currently living in, but at the same time, when I'm talking to my friends here, I can't just shut down when they tell me about how her parents stopped talking to her because she got caught talking to a boy on Skype because it's so different from American culture. When being in the middle you have to meet people and not always expect them to meet you. It doesn't mean that I always have to die to myself and not show one half of myself to everyone, I can show the other side, but I always have to keep in mind that there might be parts that they may not understand, and that's normal.
When walking with a friend to go grocery shopping, she asked me if I had known all the problems I would face when coming to Jordan--the sexual harassment, being homeless for a week, being stalked and so on--would I still have come. Without a second thought I said yes. Absolutely. So many things have happened that were negative, but in all negative things, you just have keep moving forward and eventually you'll be out of it. Coming to Jordan has taught me SO much that I would have never given it up for anything...regardless of all that has happened. I complain and get frustrated but I can't deny this world. We're too connected to forget it now and I never want to.
I shack when I hear hate talk on both sides. I humble down in admiration when I see a Muslim praying in the streets or when I see a Christian praying at church on Sunday. I wave my American flag proudly, but I also have the Hamsa on a necklace and the Kabba on my keychain. This is me. Here I am and here I will always be.
(I'll probably adopt the Spanish culture as well later in life but first I've given myself a decade to live and learn about all of the other Levantine countries--just a note)
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